Humor Drabbles!
by Camerine
Summary: [4: Ice Cream?] When John is forced to steal Ice Cream, he is met my the homicidal, pregnant Elizabeth Weir. Uh—oh.
1. Up Chuckin'

**Drabble Collection!**

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the characters.

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**Up Chuckin'**

"I feel sick," John informed everyone, doing a half sit-up to get into an upright position. He was hanging upside down in a small chamber of sorts, as was Teyla and Ronon. Ronon was spinning in circles, twising his rope up and letting it go. He had been for the past three hours. Despite appearences, he didn't seem to have a strong stomach.

"Please, do not throw up, Col. Sheppard. It smells bad enough in here already," Teyla said, still hanging upside down. John let go of his rope, once again seeing the room upside down.

"What are some other words for 'throw up'?" he asked.

"Chuck, " Ronon suggested.

"Puke."

"Upckuck."

"Vomit."

"Gut Soup."

"Disgorge."

"Heave."

"Hurl."

"Spew."

"Regurgitate."

By this time, Ronon and John were laughing so hard they couldn't speak.

Teyla sighed. "Men."

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Hope you like!

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	2. A Tale Of Bugs

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the Characters.

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**A Tale of Bugs**

John groaned as he was tied up by a bunch of children. They all laughed, running circles around him. He was going to kill Teyla if she _ever_ made him play with these ... thses ... _monsters_, again. No, correction: she would kill him, but he would put up on heck of a fight.

"Mr, sir?" One of the kids asked, stopping at his side.

"Yes?" He answered paitently.

"I got you food."

He handed John a plate, sitting it on his lap. The food was _moving. _John stuck out his tongue, looking at what appeared to be not-fully-cooked bugs. Gagging, he turned away.

Two hours, ten uncooked bugs, and a lot of laughing children later, John was set free. Rubbing his wrists, he walked off, the kids running along at his feet. He saw Teyla grinning as he exited the woods.

"What are you so happy about?" He asked her, pulling a two-year-old girl from his foot. She was gnawing at his shoelaces.

"Nothing, Major."

Ha, right.

Just then, John felt something on his shoulder. It was crawling. Almost not wanting to know what it was, he reached behind him and picked it off, looking at it.

It was lunch.

"Oooh, Teyla," He said, srmiking. Her eyes went wide as she looked at the bug. Turning, she ran, John following her.

So, he wouldn't kill her, but this was worse.

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	3. Twinke Twinkle

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the characters.

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**Twinkle Twinkle**

"Why do we have to do this again?" John asked, dropping into the control chair. Rodney sighed, waving his hand around in the air and finally pointing at his control panel.

"Because, I need to find out how many drones there are in the chair," He whined. John sighed. "Now, sit down, and get that thing started up. I'm not in a good mood."

"Well, that's a first," John said, leaning back with a deep sigh.

"What?" Rodney asked, dropping the vital reader to his side.

"Nothing."

Rodney continued to growl while taking readings. John just sat in the chair, trying not to let his mind wander. Sighing, he looked over at Rodney.

"How much longer?"

"Not long. Shut up."

Sighing again for what seemed the hundreth time that day, John sat back and began to think about his favorite song. He hummed it as it flew through his head. Rodney suddenly looked up in surprise.

"What's that?"

"Oh, that's Green Day..." John cut himself off, realizing for the first time that it was playing. Looking around, he realized that the chair had used this thoughts to play the song. John got a wicked look on his face as Rodney went back to playing with the readings of the chair. Soon, the _Star Wars_ music started playing. Rodney sighed, looking up to see John smiling. The music continued to change.

"Twinkle Twinkle little star?" Rodney asked, dumbfounded. John just nodded, changing the music again. "Rock-a-bye Baby?" The music continued to change. "Little Green Men? Sunny Spider? _John_!"

"What? And how come you know the names of these songs?" He asked, snickering.

"I'm the one that baby-sits your kid, remember?" Rodney asked, waving his hands around.

"Oh, yea."

Everything was quiet for a minute, until the theme music for Telatubbies started playing. Rodney started humming, but realizing what he was doing, stopped and growled.

"What the heck am I doing? _John_! Turn. That. Music. _Off_!"

John did as he was told. Two minutes later, just as Rodney thought the insane music had finally stopped, the theme music for Ms. Sunny's Spider Patch started playing, so softy he could barely hear it. Dropping the hand held device he was holding, he lunged at John, making him fall out of the chair.

A day in the life of Atlantis.

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The mom of John's kid is not told, because I don't want to scare away any of my readers. Anyway, I know who it IS, and if you don't know by now, drop by my profile.

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	4. Ice Cream?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Stargate Atlantis or the characters.

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**Ice Cream?**

"Truth or dare, sir?" Aiden asked, smiling, as John shifted in his seat.

"First, stop calling me sir! We're off the clock. And I will take ... " John knew exactly what Aiden had in mind for a question. So ... "Dare."

"I dare you to sneak into the kitchen and get me ice cream!" Aiden said, still smiling. John groaned. The things that man would do for ice cream.

"What kind?" John moaned, standing to his feet and stretching. They had all been sitting on the floor for hours, and John was becoming very stiff.

"Chocolate. In the mean time, Ronon, your turn," Aiden announced, turning to the big gorilla man. Only two weeks ago had they caught Aiden off-world. They had gotten him off the Enzyme, and he was back to normal.

"Truth or dare ... " Ronon looked around. "Rodney."

"Why me?"

"Because."

"Fine. Truth," Rodney said, not wanting to do anything Ronon might have in mind for a dare.

"Is it you who has been stealing my coffee stash?" Ronon asked, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Um ... Yes?" Rodney cringed, waiting for Ronon to pounce on him. Nothing. After about a minute, he opened his eyes to see everyone's amused faces. Teyla was holding back a giggle, while Aiden was already clutching his side in silent laughter.

"My turn?" Rodney asked slowly. Aiden nodded, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"Fine. Teyla, truth or dare."

"Truth," Teyla said.

"Were you the one stealing the ice cream?"

"I-" Teyla was cut off by the loud yell of John. He came ripping down the hall and flew into the room, tripping over Teyla, who was sitting right by the door. Scrambling to his feet, he threw Aiden a bucket of ice cream. They were all gathered in his room. Suddenly, another figure filled the room.

"Help!" John said, jumping up and running behind Teyla. Elizabeth was in the doorway, her hands on her hips. She didn't look happy.

"John! You were the one stealing the ice cream!" She said. For the past week she had been staking out the mess hall, trying to catch the thief. But he had laid off as soon as he caught on to her game.

"No! I swear! That wasn't me!" John said, really truly scared for the first time in his life. All of Elizabeth's favorite ice cream had gone missing only a few weeks ago, and she was _pissed_. No one wanted to interfere with a pregnant woman.

"Then what were you doing?" Elizabeth asked, pointing accusingly at the ice cream Aiden was now eating.

"Truth or dare, Dr. Weir," Teyla explained, smiling. She raised an eyebrow at John, who was still hiding behind her. "Aiden dared Col. Sheppard to steal ice cream for him."

"Then who did steal the ice cream?" Elizabeth asked, her eyes scanning the room. They fell on Rodney. "You?"

Rodney only shook his head. Teyla continued speaking.

"As I was saying before, in response to your question, Rodney. My answer is yes."

Luckily, I am not going to continue this story long enough for you to find out what horrible death Teyla met.

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Well, there you have it. I am crazy! Anyway, the only reason I made Elizabeth pregnant was because this story would make no sense otherwise. Only women with raging hormones go all homicidal on people for stealing ice cream! And I didn't tell the dad! Use your imagination! (But no thinking Shep/Weir ... BAD!)

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